Been Thinking

I get days where I find myself being very thoughtful, looking at life and reflecting on mistakes I have made and how I can learn from them.

Now I am no angel I can tell you, I have had a long and abusive past in many forms. Drugs, alcohol, mental and physical abuse have all left their scars and I still look back and think "why did no one realise that I was that ill?" I couldnt tell I was ill because obviously I was and well if someone had really really looked they would have seen how bad I was.

Yes they have wanted to treat me with anti depressants and I did go on them but they made me so sick and twisted my mind up so bad I wanted to kill myself more than ever before or they turned me into a total drooling cabbage!!!! Now I do realise that meds can take a little time to work and can have these effects but at the time no one had explained this to me and the X was totally against the meds because of the states they used to leave me in. In all honesty he liked me uncontrolable, fiery and having that ege, little did we realise that the edge wasnt the result of my past but down to a mental illness!!

I am begining to try and heal myself from the inside out by learning to love me more as I change, even though Im not happy about weight gain and feel fat and ugly BUT that is another symptom of my illness aparently.

So really this post is about loving yourself....you have to learn to love yourself before you can love life, it's essential in my mind now. I really do believe in this, because if you cant love you how can you have the confidence to realise that others love you for being you????

Its not easy with BP to understand your mood dictates you whole way of thinking and way of life. No one understands that our thoughts and reality is so twisted at times that it is self destructive, this is when our love for our family and friends leads us to invert the thinking and go ok Im a burden and I cause them pain so if I die it will all be better for them and everything will all be alright. The more messed up the more this makes sense and it spirals down and down and if its not caught in time then thats the time we attempt suicide. Its not out of cowardice, its not out of wanting the pain to stop for us its really about sparing our families, relieving their burden and taking away the hurt that in our minds we are causing them to make their life better....yeah i know to you that dont suffer with BP even now it still wont make much sense but thats it in a nutshell really we die because of our love for our family and friends.

I will leave you with that thought to ponder xxx