OOOOH Im in a dress!!!!!

Well I decided that as we where having a lovely few days I would attempt to look feminine and well here's the result. Yeah I think it's ok but it seems to have had a great effect on Stuart and I do feel so flattered and almost attractive when he looks at me like that. I also feel a little daft as I dont really wear dresses and things but thats because my confidence and body image is all messed up. Although it's been 2 years of him telling me how gorgeous I am and how much he loves me I still am afraid that it's being said and not meant. It's not his fault as he does mean it with all his heart and soul and I can see it in his eyes, but it's down to the mental damage certain relationships have left behind and the way that my BiPolar works.

So every now and again I feel brave and try the girlie look on for size, once im more comfy with it I will be happy to experiment with things more and find a type of style that I like and one that suits me ( as seen by other eyes as that input is good as well). Im re learning my whole way of thinking again and it's hard in a world where I feel that I am the odd one out and am so aware that I feel awkward. Stuart is amazing and has this ability to make me calmer and give me that little boost up enough on good days to make me do it not just for him but for me. I think I might get him to shop for my clothing for a while and see how it goes (well I think I should run it by him first though lolol I don't think that he would be brave enough to try though but you never know!?!?!). I really need the hair sorting as well but Im useless at styling hair, I've always been a tom boy and so this girlie thing is kinda new to me. Ok I have gone out dressed up but friends have always helped me out with it and the rest of the time I live in jeans or leggings. Makes it easier to feel blended in really, a bit like my security net in the outside world.

Im also learning that I can wear lovely stuff and I dont have to have cleavage hanging out and mega teeny dresses on that look slutty to make the most of how I look. Stuart loves a classic look it is simple easy on the eye but you can look great without looking like a slag. In my youth and untreated I had no problems as I could wear a bin bag and still not care...I had so much confidence I would dance on my own on a dancefloor, I could wear anything and feel great and still draw male attention. Now all I want is Stuarts attention, a few flattering looks are nice too but now I can't stand lecherous men gawking at people. Sometimes I wish I had that confidence back back I realise it's not real it's to do with my BiPolar mania soooo it's re learn time.

Learn to love and accept me before I can feel more confident and not scared but hey it's gonna be worth it in the long run just to feel right.

love and light xxx

Been Busy but now time to relax

Stuart took Khan and I too a wonderful park the other day and we both loved it. He ran and ran around like a lunatic, sniffing everything he could and scenting everything. He paddled in the natural spring, drinking from the clean cool water, wandered in the high grass and explored the bushes with glee. It was such a joy to watch him having fun.
Stuart showed me a bridge him and a team of lads from work experience built when they left the army, yes its still there and is brilliant. It takes you from the main park area onto the iece of lad where the ruins of the old castle building is and the natrual stream feeds into the moat (which was rather revolting needed dredging and is being cleared forestry first before they do it). The ruins where great and I spent ages taking hundreds of pics that I have yet to work on as yet, (Im a bit weird about my pics so I tend to work on them til Im happy with them and put them up).
So technically you have here a few untreated snaps that I took as a sneak preview.
I must admit after the slow walk and numerous rest stops I had to make I was exhausted so we decided no to push it too far and go home for a rest, as we where due to be taken out for a meal that evening to the local carvery as a welcome home meal.
I came back relaxed had a soak and then decided as I felt so good that I was going to wear a dress, and attempt some make up as well. I even straightened my hair (well tryed) lol and then felt feminine but highly conscious of myself and kinda like a fish out of water. But Stuart was so happy it made it worth it to see him smile and beam again when I walked into a room. Must admit I had a little kick from it too. The meal was lovely I stuffed myself silly on the carvery and totally loved it...Stu and Jon Jon (our bro come bestest blokey mate) ate their fill on currys and stuff...which although smelled lovely didnt appeal to me as I much prefer a good old traditional roast. I looked like a little buddah waddling out I can tell you!!!!
Yesterday was another busy day, we went into Castleford and I met up with Linda and Paul who I have made friends with online. We spent a lovely few hours beetling through charity shops, nattering and generally having a wonderful time. She is fantastic anda great giggle. I hope we can meet more often and make a good friendship, she is clever, loving and a gentle person and I like it. Bristolians even though they are my native city people are so brash loud and fast paced, I cant seem to deal with them much anymore. I prefer my sedate northern new people, family and new friends (I cant leave out my sisters from another mother Twinny and Rhy cause I love them soo much but they are different cause they are calmer and nicer !!!!). I am going hme to Bristol next month to see my son for his 18th but only intend to stay a few days then escape back here lololol. I think by then I would have had enough of the old city to last me a few more months.

Well love and light for now Im off into the networld to talk to friends and then after mail check and returning mails Im gonna do the work on my pictures and work on the ones I took this morning as we did a little work on the garden yesterday .....but that is for another post lol...xxxx

Today I went for my mental health assessment and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The guy was really cool and listened to me and we talked about lots of things. He has the meeting with the others during the week and it will be calling me on Monday at the latest with what care plan they have come up with and how we are going to proceed with my mental health care and management.
I left feeling very positive, we got home I led down and finally after weeks of restlessness I fell asleep. I had a good long sleep and ok yeah I feel better for off loading and lighter but of course I realise I have to start at the begining and work my way through it all without being scared. I just want to be normal again and now I am going to do what I have to do to work towards it even if it's a long hard road and involves at times of crisis going into the hospital. I realise that going into hospital isn't something I need to be afraid of but if I'm that far gone I need to go I probably wont realise anyway. I have to understand that ifI do get that ill again not only am I a risk to myself but to others. I have discussed what I call "the voices!" and have been told they are called "intrusive thoughts" and they can be helped over time. It will be a sweet relief when they finally stop burbling in my head!!!!!If you have never suffered with them you wont understand what I mean so here is an effort to explain...imagine your head as a telephone exchange with a speaker...all the wires on one side have come out and all those voices are coming through the speaker all jumbled up, telling you to do different things but all of them bad, having them screaming things at you and and when you try and tell someone they go shuuuush dont tell, be quiet and they will think you are mad. As you can now see it's difficult to deal with.
Right Stuart is sleeping so I am going to catch up on some mail and continue resting.

love and light x

And Who Is This??????

No this isn't Miss Winehouse on a sneaky jaunt to Bristol, it is in fact me on the night of our wedding in a club with my friend and witness Carly. Now trust me on this one, this dress I didn't buy it was one of a set of two the same, one red one white to match my wedding theme colours, bought for me by....shock horror Stuart!!!! Yes this incredibly slinky number was his doing and I still am amazed when I realise that it is me in the picture. Then I bear in mind that I have gained weight since then as I was only a 24 inch waist at the time lololol..yeah I know teeny tiny!!! Anyways I thought I would share as I plan to add some nice pics of me soon where "I" am told I look healthier again but to me I feel fat and frumpy to a degree as I've never been this heavy, except when I was dancing at 19-21 and it was muscle mass!!!

love and light xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Moons Ride Through The Skies

How many of us bother at night to gaze up into the sky and appreciate the wonders mother nature has placed there? Until I moved to the village I didn't I can tell you, through the cities light pollution, the haze of dirty atmosphere and the general unappreciation of my surroundings made me ignorant of it's glory.
Every evening now I sit on the deck, bundled in a blankey if I'm chilly just looking at the sky above me. I have seen how the season has moved the beautiful constellations, the most glorious moons and even had the sun and the moon in the sky at the same time, for me it has become a magickal time. So much more than I ever expected it to be. To watch the moon glide through her cycles every month has been a pleasure, and one I continually photograph as it never looses its beauty. Even the neighbours have got used to me being out at strange hours of the night taking pictures and ask questions about wicca and the moons' relevance.
For the first time ever my husband waltzed under the stars on our deck and it was a romatic magickal moment until the dog decided he wanted to dance too lololol. Well he is family so he was allowed to cut in I suppose so we all danced, the dog on his hinds for a few moments. It bought tears of laughter to us that night I can tell you and a memory I will never forget as long as I live. These moments are the "life saving" cherished thoughts that help in times of a BP low and with the countless pictures I take and work on have become part of my therapy, one that I have designed myself to help keep me going and occupied.
Eventually I will put up a selection of pictures that I have taken and am satisfied with, as I'm very particular about the finish and the way the light is in my work. Today my wish is for you to go out at night, look at the moon, take a deep breath and draw in the beauty of the night sky. It's ever changing, ever moving but always beautiful...

love and light always xxxx

How I came to bw a Wiccan

Twelve years ago I was talking to a friend of mine (she knows who she is) and she had some information on her PC screen about Sanhaim she was going to print off for her friend. I asked if i was allowed to read it and she was " yeah ok". I knew she was a Wiccan as we had discussed it before but i didnt want to pry into her private life and ask her about it. That particular day after reading the pages she could see i had questions and just sat there smiling waiting for me to ask. So i took the bull by the horns and we spent the day drinking tea and discussing things. I went home with a million and one questions i still wanted answered and began looking at the internet sites she had kindly had written down for me.

She is the worlds most amazing person, a survivor in the true sense of the word, after a life of ups and downs i will not go into. She was happy, balanced and really at one with the world around her.I had always thought there was more to life and had been looking for something that made sense in life, i had started Reiki and the two seemed to balance eachother and then it all clicked into place. So i decided that i wanted to explore more and began to very slowly learn and practise the craft, not moving on until i could do each thing well enough that i didnt need my book or the net to look at. I started using the tennets in real life and slowly i found that my life itself began to change and my outlook on life changed. I found it helped me through some of my worst moments including a full nervous breakdown,divorce and suicide. It bought me back on track once i was medicated properly, and helped me gain comfort and keep the belief that my life is worth living and that people loved me.

I practise a minimum of once a day even if its while im relaxing or in the bath. I dont always need to perform rituals nowadays and i can cast a circle that actually goes from the boundry lines of where we live down into the earth and above the house.I rarely use tools as i dont need them but i do enjoy using them on certain occaisions. So off and on i have been practising for those twleve years, the ex husband hated it so i had to do everything descretely and it was very constraining. I now have a new husband who is totally understanding and also self dedicated to the craft. Its lovely to be free discussing things, having altars out and decorating the house with wiccan items. Stuart is enjoying the library of books we have accumilated from shops and e books from the net, we celebrate the sabbats with meals and different activities like walks cuddles and have waltzed under the stars for the first time. Living where we are is brilliant as i can practise and not feel like the neighbours are peeking out the windows at us or thinking we are weird.We have access to the natural world on our doorstep and can walk in country fields that are just down the road from us.

I feel more at home here i can just breathe in clean air, feel the difference in the water and i am finally gaining weight after many years of struggling. The lack of stress is helping with my Bi Polar to a degree and as i really do enjoy my life changing move and would recommend it to anyone who is in the situation i was then. Take that step, make the move and get yourself a new life it is so worth it. The Wiccan way seems to flow more easily here, the connection to the natural world makes things so easy and the relaxing approach to life in a village is brilliant. People are genuine, when they say hello they really mean hello, they talk to you, accept you for who you are, they are welcoming, helpful and friendly beyond belief. I would never have believed that this kind of life existed to be honest, i have been a city girl all my life and even when i lived near the suburbs of the city it was still busy and just made me unhappy.

Ok it does have its down side, i have moved 251 miles from the city i grew up in and have left behind my family who i miss terribly. To be honest though even though i do miss them i also know that they miss me and still love me as we are in regular contact by email and telephone at least once a week. I am dreading the winter as its chilly at the moment and i hate the cold, but im also looking forward to it as well. To see clean snow and the chances to photograph its beauty is a chance i have never had. City snow where i was was browny slushy stuff or just plain sheet ice in layers the thickness of paving slabs. Then comes christmas, this will be the first christmas ever that i wont be spending with my family, it was a tradition to all go to my mums and have luch and a buffet tea. Now we are going to be here and its just the 2 of us so i have to figure out what we are going to do for christmas and boxing day. It just seems strange to be going from hectic times to doing nothing over that period. i was thinking of plannning on going down as a surprise visit for my mum and staying a few days but letting my dad in on it so we can plan it. Its something i know she would love!!!!!

Anyways now you know how i got to where i am

love and light

Saturday thoughts

Ahhh its early Saturday morning and the birds are singing and the air is crisp, what more could I ask for???? A lottery win, to be that millionaire, to be free of my BP, the end of world famine or even world peace... well we know in our hearts that these things just dont happen lol.

Today I will just be grateful for happiness and being alive. It's a very overlooked thing you know, the meaning of happiness, it's different for everyone and ranges from the man who has nothing yet a life of love and friends, to the man whom has everything money can buy but is lonely and mistrusting. Material things for me yes are wonderful and nice to have but in all of it i think people have forgotten to be happy with their lot and are always moaning about what they dont have.

How can you say that you have nothing when you have your health, family, friends and food in your belly???? So today I send you the message to find true happiness look at what you already have in your life NOT what you do not have. Concentrate on the things in life that are free and that are right under your nose and then list them. You will be surprised at what you really have.

love and light xxx

This is how Bi Polar feels

In an earlier bblogg I attempted to try adn explain BP but not sure I did it well enough, so here is a pic that I feel says it all really. It covers the confusion, the emotional distress and pain, the voices in your head and the feeling of being at least three different people. they all seem to run around in your head yealling their angst, each trying t be louder than the other til you just want to scream out "shut up" and in the end can give up fighting and take your life. Yes it is that serious, just because it cant be seen and heard doesnt mean that people who have BP are not ill...look at my pictures do I look ill...no????? Well I am, I suffer from the worse type of BP..rapid cycling. I would love to be either high or low or stable with regularity not zipping between the three and not knowing when it will change and to what. I fight it as all us suffers do and form friendships with other sufferers that are close and lasting as they are the ones who truely understand us. How can we tell our loved ones some of the thoughts we are having???? We can't, as much as we would love to, as they just couldnt comprehend or even begin to understand how we had reached our conclusions...they do not suffer from the twisted and distorted logic that a BP sufferer endures and battles with. For us to think about cutting off our faces, killing people and total violence is normal, its a sign of crisis that indicates you need to see the mental health team asap...but because you cant voice it to family they dont realise...in support groups online you get that support and are clearly told to get help and you listen because you know they are right. Thank you for reading and trying to understand

love and light

Traded In

WAHOOOOOO!!!!

Well things are going right today I can finally trade in the old eco friendly swiffer with landing gear of feet, we got ourselves a lil second hand car. It's gonna be great to have the freedom to go where we want without having to rely on friends and family for lifts etc. The buses are great here and i mean great, clean and reliable but from different places they can come every hour lol...can be a bit of a fly in the ointment at times.

love and light and a share of my luck to you all xx

crashing witch...one of those days

LOLOOLOLOL

Ever have one of those days when everything just goes wrong????????? Then this is the pic for you as it just seems to cover the entire feeling doesn't it rofl rofl rofl. Yep you know i feel blerg today, in fact I can't even sit right cause the pain in my right hand lower back, through my butt cheek and down the leg is soooo intense!!!!! I feel right stoned on the pain relief but hey I can still feel the pain so Im stoned drowsey lol, trying not to be grouchy and tired..well that's all i can say

love and light

Khan Angelus

This is our dog Khan, he is 21 months old and full of energy, literally!!!! He is a rotti, german shep (long haired), staff cross breed whom we have had since he was ten weeks old. He is as strong as an ox already and has dragged me around the floor on many occaisions so I am slowly learning to control him on his harness and lead. It's tough going at times as he gets excited so easily and just leaps around barking with joy and spinning about.

Off lead he is fantastic and comes when called, he's a friendly little soul but because he is a jumper upper and barks at you people think he is vicious which really really pissed me off!!!! Still once we break the habit of the jumping up I know it will get better, once he knows you he is quieter but does want loves and fusses before you can do anything else. He loves loads of doggies out waking but one dog on our walk he detests, it's a yippy snappy Shelty and if they ever crossed paths it would be fight night I can tell you.

He is spoilt rotten as you can see, he will eat anything and I mean anything including snails, slugs, fruit, cooked veg, tuna fish and most of all LOVES ICE CREAM.....that was daddys fault not mummy's by the way lol. I thought you all would like to see him enjoying the licking out of the tub ritual we have so he doesnt beg too much during the eating off it. He has a kiddies sleeping bag as his bed with a cow teddy on its pillow and a cow on the front all made out of a thermally type material and fur....he loves it. In fact he will not sleep without a pillow even downstairs on the couch he tries to steal it if he can. When he is relaxed he sleeps flat on his back with his front paws like a rabbit and his back legs splayed like a butterfly and his markings are gorgeous!!!! Mind you his face looks kinda goofy cause his jowls go all floppy and it makes him look like he is smilig rofl rofl. He is a cuddler of a dog and likes nothing more to snuggle into you head on lap of curled up in a ball as close to you as he can get. It's actually really nice and at times when I'm feeling low he knows and will spend time with me just lead down snuggled up to comfort me.

He is ball crazy but eats tennis balls if we are not careful, he would chase a ball all day long if he could, luckily he isn't a digger or I would have no plants in the garden whatsoever!!! You couldn't ask for a more affectionate and loving dog trust me, it just prooves the point that with the breeds in him that it's the owners who make dogs nasty not the animal. I would love to find him a companion to play with but he has to have the snip first as we dont want pups or two male dogs lol. Mind you they way he is one is enough at the moment.

We are also trying to get him used to his crate out back for when we need to leave him alone as we discovered ( to our cost) that he hates being alone and will do anything to try and find us ( which consists of being a beaver, dont ask, and barking til we come home. He is going to have to learn though as we sometimes do need to go somewhere where we cant take him

Twinny

This is my bestest friend in the world Mel....aka Twinny. We are both BP sufferers and clicked when we met in a group online and lets just say the rest is history lol. I can tell her everything and anything and not feel like she is judging me but know that she understands completely as she feels the same as me. Her hubby is amazing, Jamie is as much support to me as she is but in a different way he is very much like Stuart .. the steady, stable, reliable person whom wont let you fall too deep if he can help it. The lil cutie in the pic is lil squidgey on her special day as the princess and crown bearer for the parade that day and doesnt she look fantastic!!!!!! I am very proud of ALL of Mel and Jamies kids because it isn't easy living with a BP parent at times and yet they are doing great and are lovely well adjusted, bright kids.

Hopefully we will all meet up soon and I cant wait to give them a huge hug. The nick names Twinny came from the fact that we both have BP and soooo much in common it's unreal, we are the yin and yang of the world a perfect balance.

In the top pic is Twinny Rhyannon and of course me. Rhyannon is another dearest friend and the three of us have become more like sisters than friends. She too suffers from depression but hasn't been diagnosed as BP (yet!). We run our lil group on facebook which now has over 500 members and it's great. We talk,, laugh we share silly pictures and generally give eachother support and love when it's needed to eachother. We are tight knit and that shows in the group we run as it is more like a family really. I have to give Twinny the credit for the group as she was it's creator. Rhyannon is an inspiration to me, she has three kids, a part time job and runs an internet business which she somehow manages to fit into her dailey life!!!!!!!!!! I swear at times she is superwoman, most of the time I find it difficult to cope with a few things going on and get exhausted fast. Hat's off to her she a wonderful job with it all!!! It gets hysterical when we all have a funny five minutes online and we can have a laugh with the group and take a blergggg day and turn it into something a little lighter which is great.

Ok so now you have a little info into my dearest friends online and as you can see I love them to bits. I'm truely blessed to have them in my life. I love you my sisters may the power of three

Mabon Blessings

BLESSED MABON to all my brothers and sisters of the craft, I hope you have a prosperous harvest and the eqinox brings positive changes in your lives.

Well despite feeling blurggg! we went for a walk the other day and I decided that mother natures gifts where too boutiful and glorious to ignore so I collected up all I could carry and bought them home. As you can see it's made a wonderful ritual decoration which has many fruits of the season to plant and grow. I've decided to grow a conker tree and an acorn tree that I can replant back into the wild and give back to the earth.

We began our three day celebration with a lovely meatball dish with red wine in it and later lots of ice cream (of course), today I'm cooking a full roast pork meal as it's the middle day. Plenty going into it, broccoli, cauliflower, peas from the pod, carrots, aubergine, gherkin type things and boiled and roast potatoes...a right proper feast for us both....yummy!!! The house is spotless after me doing it again this morning when I got up, having terrible trouble sleeping as my sciatic nerve is giving me absolute hell so not only am I rattling with my normal meds I'm on a huge dose of pain relief every four hours minimum. Going to try and keep it to a minimum though so I dont use them too often and tonight is sleeping with the prince on the temazepan train, another night of restless, broken, painful a

Rapid cycling BP

This is the closest i can begin to describe Bi polar rapid cycling disorder, which is what I suffer from. It makes me feel as if i am going insane at times, i yoyo from being so full of energy i cant stop, sleep, think and through total mental exhaustion become a danger to myself as i dont see how i could come to harm in any way and know no fear. I hit a low so deep and dark that all i want to do is stay in bed, i wont eat, drink, bathe and self harm unless im supervised and in the end have thoughts of suicide and of violence.

I hate feeling this way it is frightening and as it happens so fast it makes you confused, disorientated and exhausted. BP is a hidden illness unless you know what to look for, i dont walk around with a bandage or a plaster cast on but none the less i am ill, seriously ill. Only a fellow suffferer can understand truely how vile this is, how hopeless you feel, like a burden to your friends and family and that life is just to hard. We are only human we fight each day as it comes but there is only so much we can take and sadly there can be a serious lack of support at the times you need it.

Last year my darling cousin, who suffered from a mental illness also, took his own life by jumping from a car park roof. Since then my family have made more of an effort to listen and try and understand my illness. They realise they are not to blame and have learned what to look for and can tell me if im ill. My mum is dreading the day she might get the call i have committed suicide, she keeps making me promise not to do it, i make that promise but how can i tell her that i have no control at that time, that the illness has taken over and twisted all thoughts and logic. It doesnt mean that i dont love them or dont care as i do very much so and that is the danger. You see the more you love and care you become all messed up thinking that, as i said earlier, you are a burden to those you love and it makes more and more sense to die by your own hand so that you are making it better for them. I have had conversations and huge disagreements with ignorant people who say suicide is for cowards, little do they realise when you are at that stage the pain you are in is not considered by you it is all centred around your hurting of others etc etc. It gets more and more twisted and the thoughts get darker and darker the more you go on and dying makes more and more sense.

ok thats it for now or i shall ramble on

mornings!!!!

Blergggggg its so early the birds are chirping, the sun is bright and the dew is still on the ground making the day all crisp, clean and new...but...also flamin chilly!!!! Well Stu and I planted the bulbs yesterday for the spring, well I laid them out and he got the ole dibber and planted them in the holes he made. Keeps insisting he isn't a gardener but he did a very good inpression of one yesterday I can tell you.

He has his daily routine of trimming and training that clematis still and i must admit it is loooking rather nice and new growth is zipping up. The lavenders I cut back are starting to ccome back with lovely new growth so I know they will survive the winter. Got loads of the dreaded housework to do today so Im gonna begin upstairs and work my way down and through to the kitchen as it seems to make more sense.

Mind you im not feeling the housework bug today at all but that kitchen is really bugging me so i know i have to cool off a little before i begin or i will have one of those sessions where i go mental before i realise it and get bleach and cleaning products burn (such are the wonberous joys of a BP cleaning rampage im afraid!!!) I must admit im still tired and ache today, Im very very worn down even though i let on that im ok to people, they only worry otherwise and i feel like a burden to them all. i might for a while and try and shake the groggy feelings. Khan is snuggled into me using me as a pillow atm and its kinda nice but i cant cuddle him back cause he is on my shin once again cutting off my circulation which is a favourite passtime of his.

Our Handfasting

As I have been a Wiccan for over 12yrs I decided that I wanted something truely more meaningful than the usual civil wedding but I didn't want to be a hypocrite and marry in a chruch or venue where I couldn't have the input I wanted. We had already booked our intimate but well dressed civil ceremony, for legal sake and for my parents as dad is not as understanding as mum about the whole Wiccan thing (as he puts it).

One of our favourite films is Braveheart and as we researched into Stuarts ancestors and mine we discovered that both of us had links to scottish clans and that just seemed to make the idea of a traditional Handfasting ceremony more inorder. It took weeks to work out what we wanted it to include, and to get together the bits and pieces to make it work. Firstly was my gown, I had seen many on the net and loved the ones in E bay but there never seemed to be the right one there. So one day I was looking again with feeling of dispair when this gorgeous gown appeared in my size in my price range and to top it off very much like what i was looking for and then some!!! so without hesitation I bought it, it arrived a few days later and all it needed was to be taken up two inches!!!! It was perfect, now to find Stuart something to wear lol, he didnt want to go to all the fuss of the jerkin styled stuff so I found him a lovely loose shirt from a fancy dress stockist.

The day arrived and it was chaos, guest arriving, food cooking, energy circles being worked, rooms being cleansed for the ceremony and the music being put on.

Meanwhile I was bathing in a ritual bath with my attendants for the day helping me through every step. One was doing my hair, the other painting my toenails and keeping me calm. \then on went the delicate make up, a two person job that was, one to get the base on then swap so she could get her clothes on and the other who was ready finished the makeup off. Off they went downstairs sending up my son who was to walk me into the ceremony. I walked in to the sounds of Harrys Game by Clannad and the celtic soft music continued throughout the ceremony. We had made our own cords and promises and where bound by the hands and jumped the broom from the old life into the new. It was very moving and all where in tears and then laughing. We feasted gave thanks to the gods and goddesses for being with us and cut a cake we had decorated ourselves with the help of the children involved in the ceremony.

It might have not been our legal wedding but this is when i truely married my husband two hearts one soul blessed be my love xx

I Love my Hubby

Our Wedding Day

November the 9th 2009 Bristol Registry Office.

When people ask me how long I have been married I am tempted to reply forever but not meaning it in a nasty way of course. I mean that it feels like Stuart and I have been together forever and that we are literally at times one person, two hearts one soul. This was my princess dress, I looked for ages to find one and they where either too fluffy, too plain,or just made me look like a toilet roll doll from the seventies lol. A frirend suggested I try this one on and I was like oh ok I might as well I've tried on everything else....and that was it I knew then and there it was THE ONE! In the end I had to take it to a seamstress before the wedding as I put on weight and it was taken out and it just fitted me then. Mind you it meant wearing only a pair of pants and some nipple covers under it to be perfect lol. It weighed an absolute tonne, I had a 5ft catherdral train on the back, something I had always wanted but never had before.

You see Stuart is hubby number 4, yeah yeah I know bring on teh old she loves wedding cake joke rofl. The first two where disasters from the start to be honest but I was marrying for the wrong reason in the end because I was a coward and couldnt say no. No 3 was genuinely love and we where together over six years married before it ended rather nastily to say the least.

My darling Stuart was there for me all through no3's up and downs as a friend, he lived miles and miles away but we spoke regularily sharing our problems, laughing at crappy jokes and arguing about issues to do with the job we shared at the time. It was a fun, natural and easy going friendship that got extremely close and we had total trust in one another.

When no3 went kaboom he was there as a shoulder to cry on, a friend to comfort me and listen to me. He stayed as neutral as he could but was honest when he thought I was being used or taken for a ride. It was only when someone suggested that we where more than friends we both got over defensive and then had to re think the way we felt. As we where so close I just came out and said it, yeah actually I do like you a lot but I dont know where we go from here. I didn't want to hurt him in anyway or become involved with him on a rebound so we literally taked and talked and talked things through and decided to give it a go. He came to Bristol over a few months to visit and in the end moved in and got work, he helped me start the divorce papers and the day they came in we booked our wedding.

He was fantastic, he got me beautiful trio engagement ring in silver and proposed to me on the bench at which he was sat the first time we met face to face in Bristol..it was beautiful til I saw all the passers by clapping and smiling. Oh my I was so embarressed but happy all at the same time.

We worked hard on the wedding preparations and it was all done and ready way before time. We even had a back up plan for if things went wrong anywhere but they didnt and the day was amazing. He looked fantastic in his kilt, my bonny scottsman I was so proud of him. I felt like a princess, my mum was all emotional and dad got to give me away this time as they have now bought that in as a choice. It was over so fast I was still in awe and flooded with emotions of love and happiness.

The intimate group of people we had attend then all went to our favourite restaurant and we ate food, had drinks, cut the cake and laughed until it hurt at times. Cameras where going off all over the place and I have never ever been happier. To see my friends and family all together laughing, joking, talking and just totally relaxed. So unlike those hideous formal after wedding traditional meals where no one wants to talk and is dead serious. OUR day was about fun and laughter.

Stuart I love you for who you are, even your snoring lol....thank you for making me your wife..always yours me xxxxxxxx

OMFG....What a difference!!!

Ok I am in total trauma this idea was suggested to try by a friend and I must admit "OK YOU WHERE RIGHT LOL". the picture on the right was taken in Jan 2009 not long after my marriage went kaboom, nervous breakdown ensued and I got my BP diagnosis. I met Stuart finally in the May of the same year in person after being friends for two years. the picture you see on the left of me relaxing in the sun was taken in August 2011 and I look so different!!!!!!!! I cant believe it, I know I put on weight just didn't realise how much and how much healthier I looked now compared to then. Ok I have put on a minimum of 6lbs since we moved here (that was at last weight check) but that didn't sound like a lot!!!!! Blimey think this country air is defo doing me the world of good and the city was defo killing me slowly. No wonder mum had a shock when she saw a picture of me in a dress, yes me wearing a dress

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH this is how I looked and felt yesterday...not good eh lolol well you will be glad to know that after hibernating most of yesterday I do feel so much better. I the weather stays good I might tackle the flower beds not much to do but define edges, weed, hoe and plant the bulbs that will flower in spring.

Poor Stuart is in seeing the doctor lots this week as his notes still havent arrived here yet, mind you neither have mine. He is having problems with the shoulder and back still and is trying to hide it but I can see that he hurts, but he is stubborn and well I gotta let him deal with it in his way cause he gets touchy. He is determined to keep the clematis alive and checks it everyday trimming off the dead wood and encouraging the new growth to go over the archway bless him. It's nice to see him taking such an interest in something. He is chasing his family geneology again as I managed to get hold of some norse sagas that linked in with his Clan historically and got him an A4 pad so he can make notes in it rather than on bits of paper and envelopes all over the place rofl rofl. Between the two he is becoming more occupied and it takes his mind off of not being able to work like he wants too. He feels like he has disappointed me in some way by not providing but his health is more important to me than material goods. His love is all I need to keep me going I wish he would realise that the silly beggar lol.

Right lets go see what mess I can make today

love and light xx

Ho hum what a day.....

I have missed these two little monsters so much can you believe they are actually cousins rather than brother and sister and that they are only 3 months apart in age!!!! By Sanhaim they both will be 18 years old and its a bit of a shock that these two have grown up so fast from being babies.

Lol I better explain who they are hadn't I, well they beautiful young lady is my niece Kirstie whom I adore and the grinning lad is my darling son William and well the love I have for him is immeasureable in words. This is such a rare picture trust me, since they where old enough to escape a camera they have eluded being photographed together like pair of old time pros. As toddlers they where partners in crime where one would go the other went, crawling through cat flaps, climbing under tables and genuinely being underfoot. At times it was hilarious Kirstie toddling after William who was crawling away at top speed because he didnt want cuddling which was more like a death grip....she loved him soo much as a baby because he was her real life baby!!!! They are extremely protective of eachother and are closer than any brother and sister. Their bond is unbreakable and although they can fight like cat and dog at times you can see the love they have for eachother. It's this picture that brings me hope, they are our future, their children will be our future and if these two can survive the cards that where dealt them over the years their children will be getting the benefit of two great supporters.

To say they are rather spoilt at times is an understatement but as they are the only grandchildren of our parents I'm sure you will understand that. I myself can't and darent have anymore children so I was sterilised young and had a hysterectomy last year. My sister isn't planning on more children even though mum is terribly brooday at the moment as one of our cousins has just had a little one and keeps hinting to her that she only has ac ouple of years left before she reaches 40 and the risks increase. My sister chooses to ignore those comments and quickly changes the subject and deflects the idea. She too, like me, does not want anymore children, I suppose you could say we are selfish but at our age we have done the raising of kids and have other things to do. For me it's dealing with the mental illness I have, for my sister it's been learning and getting a job that she likes. Life goes on we smile, we cry, we laugh, we age but in the end we love xx

Eeyore is visiting

Today I feel like Eeyore the donkey "Nice day probably rain", I have been to see my GP and have been added to the Red Alert list for the Mental Health Crisis Team until I ca be seen properly. I remember going in and talking about the meds that I need and she asked me about things and the rest goes hazy and then I remember nothing else about our conversation until I come out and I have to see the outside world.

I thought I had got the hang of this disorder but oh no it catches me out in the lst 24hrs by fooling me into thinking I was going to go onto a hyper and then slamming me down into a low like a giant belly flop onto concrete from a great height. All I wanna do is sleep, comfort eat and then sleep some more. Ok yeah I know, fight it, try and do things, keep my chin up it wont last long it will settle soon, but its kinda hard when you go to the GP talk out your thoughts and pain and end up feeling like an escaped lunatic!!!!!!

I have some extremely good friends on the net whom suffer from the same disorder and they are an absolute godsend, without them I really dont know what I would do, as they alone truely understand how I feel. My love and blessings go out to each and everyone of them everyday to keep them safe from harm and let them realise that I care, I'm here and I love them very much. It's very frightening to realise that all of a sudden you are that ill when in fact you just feel a little funky and that everyone else is acting weird around you. It brings home a reality that once again you are different, you are the dangerous one and that you are the one that is mentally sick. I thought the move was going to be good for me and I feel I am letting Stuart down by not doing to well at the moment. He is a little frustrated that I am struggling so much and I can understand that, I mean come on he moves us to a lovely home in a village, no stress of city life that was strangling me, away from distructive people and then I go all freaked out on him up here. The doctor says it will take time, some proper counselling that I wasn't getting in Bristol and a good rapport with a team to help me settle. I must say I do agree with her I do need help for certain issues but thats for another day

Love Light and blessings my friends xxxxxxxxxxx