Rapid cycling BP

This is the closest i can begin to describe Bi polar rapid cycling disorder, which is what I suffer from. It makes me feel as if i am going insane at times, i yoyo from being so full of energy i cant stop, sleep, think and through total mental exhaustion become a danger to myself as i dont see how i could come to harm in any way and know no fear. I hit a low so deep and dark that all i want to do is stay in bed, i wont eat, drink, bathe and self harm unless im supervised and in the end have thoughts of suicide and of violence.

I hate feeling this way it is frightening and as it happens so fast it makes you confused, disorientated and exhausted. BP is a hidden illness unless you know what to look for, i dont walk around with a bandage or a plaster cast on but none the less i am ill, seriously ill. Only a fellow suffferer can understand truely how vile this is, how hopeless you feel, like a burden to your friends and family and that life is just to hard. We are only human we fight each day as it comes but there is only so much we can take and sadly there can be a serious lack of support at the times you need it.

Last year my darling cousin, who suffered from a mental illness also, took his own life by jumping from a car park roof. Since then my family have made more of an effort to listen and try and understand my illness. They realise they are not to blame and have learned what to look for and can tell me if im ill. My mum is dreading the day she might get the call i have committed suicide, she keeps making me promise not to do it, i make that promise but how can i tell her that i have no control at that time, that the illness has taken over and twisted all thoughts and logic. It doesnt mean that i dont love them or dont care as i do very much so and that is the danger. You see the more you love and care you become all messed up thinking that, as i said earlier, you are a burden to those you love and it makes more and more sense to die by your own hand so that you are making it better for them. I have had conversations and huge disagreements with ignorant people who say suicide is for cowards, little do they realise when you are at that stage the pain you are in is not considered by you it is all centred around your hurting of others etc etc. It gets more and more twisted and the thoughts get darker and darker the more you go on and dying makes more and more sense.

ok thats it for now or i shall ramble on